Etched Upon the Heart
by Rhionae
Summary: Set between the first and second series, Gabumon is remembering Matt. Note: This could be taken various ways, but what it's basically about is friendship


Etched Upon The Heart

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Blond hair, blue eyes, crooked smile, warm touch... 

I miss him. I miss him so very much. 

Not that I'm the only one to miss my human partner - we all do, most definitely! - but none of the others seem to feel quite the same as I do. Then again, we're all very different, and our partners are (should that be were?) too, but... 

I seem to be thinking up a lot of 'but's these days. 

How long has it been already? A week? A month? Several months? I've lost track somewhere along the line, after I left the others, I suppose. 

They weren't all that happy when I told them I wanted to be on my own for a bit. _I _wasn't all that happy about it either, but it was something I felt I had to do. The compulsion had been there haunting my thoughts for some time before I finally confessed to the others. Gatomon had been downright pessimistic about the whole matter, insisting that that was the start of our little group falling apart. 

I don't agree with that. It's a bit strange, considering I was the one who wanted to leave, but... I believe we will always be bound together, after what we went through along with our humans. Perhaps we will drift apart at times, but I believe we will also come back together again in the fullness of time. At least, that's what I hope... 

I told them as much before I left. I know Patamon and Agumon accepted my promise that I would return someday, when I've found the answers I need. Tentomon pointed out that Matt had needed time out from the group at one point, and since he was my partner it was only logical that I'd picked up some of his behaviour patterns. 

I sort of wish he hadn't brought that up, though. I remember it well enough without any reminders, both before and after. 

He'd been so... lost. 

It had hurt to see him start to fall apart like that. Poor Matt. He'd been so desperate to change himself into something better that he lost sight of what kind of 'better' he should be. Cherrymon took full advantage of that fact, and I... 

I wasn't as much help as I should have been. I know that now. It's one of the reasons I've made this journey, back here to the place that caused such an impact on him. On us both. 

The Lake of Truth. 

It had been a crucial part of Cherrymon's deception of Matt. He'd twisted his words and tangled my human's mind until what the lake showed him and what he saw in its waters were two very different things. I should have known that. I _did_ know it, but... 

I was scared. Just as Matt was, I think. Too scared to see what we should have seen. 

I understand now why the lake showed Tai's image to Matt, because that truly was what had been in his heart. Tai was the single most influential person in Matt's life at that point in time, even more important to him than TK, though I think that must have been a close call to judge. 

When we were all together, I would lie awake at night watching over Matt, often from a distance. He was always pushing me over to TK, to protect him from all dangers whether it be bad digimon or just the night's chill. I would do as he asked, because I know how important TK is to him. But I would much rather have been curved against his side for every possible moment, keeping him warm and close. 

I'll always remember his surprised expression the first time I tried to hug him. The other digimon and I had just attacked Kuwagamon in our new rookie forms, and we'd thought we'd defeated him. I was so proud and happy to have digivolved and defended my new human partner. It was because of Matt that I'd been able to digivolve in the first place. I'd known in my heart that he was the one person in all the worlds who could be my companion through thick and thin, but that first digivolution really proved it, and cleared my mind of any doubt. 

Matt was perfect for me, even if he did have a little trouble expressing his emotions. I didn't mind. Just having him near me was enough, after spending so much time alone, waiting for him to come to the Digital World. 

He'd been alone in his world, too, what with his family splitting up and all. He'll be back with his Dad, now, and I know they'll be happy to be together. They really care about one another, although I must say that after meeting his dad I can understand why Matt is the way he is. They're both strong-spirited, very protective of those they care for, and neither one of them is really into hugs or stuff like that. That's not including TK, of course. Matt makes a lot of exceptions for his little brother. 

It's a pity in a way, because I think Matt could do with a few more hugs; but I also know that every warm touch he shares with someone is something very special. I wish I could touch him now, but... 

All I can touch is his image in the water. 

If I'd dared to look into the lake that day as he did I know without doubt that the picture it would have shown then is the same as the one it shows now. In my life only one person has held such sway in my heart, that I would turn on one I hold a dear friend so as to keep faith with him.   
  
Facing off against Wargreymon has to be one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life, yet I did it willingly, for him. 

That's not being entirely truthful. I did it willingly, but not just to support Matt. I... 

I was jealous. Of Tai. I knew what the lake would show my human partner, what it _did_ show, but I didn't tell him what it truly meant. I didn't _want_ to tell him, not after knowing Tai held first place in Matt's heart. 

Was that very wrong of me? 

If I'd told him the true meaning of what he'd seen - would he have been willing to accept it? That, I don't know. All I do know is that Matt is so terribly fragile when it comes to matters of the heart. When he cares for someone, he does so deeply and passionately and opens himself up to them - but at the same time braces himself for rejection. 

If there's one thing about my human that I will never understand, it's why he regards himself so poorly. He's a perfectly wonderful person, if only he could believe in himself. He doesn't need all those walls he's spent so many years building around himself. All he needs, all _I _need, is - 

_Friendship._

And yet here I am standing alone, far from my friends, in front of an icy-cold lake that mirrors my heart. 

Sometimes, I think friendship isn't quite enough. 

Sometimes, it just has to be. Because there isn't anything else, not for me, not now. 

I call Agumon and the others my friends, and they are - but they're not the kind of friend I need right now. Even when I was with them, a part of me was still alone. I don't think that will change when I meet up with them again. What worries me is if it will stay the same when I meet up with Matt again. 

_If_ I meet up with Matt again. 

It's been so long since they left, and there's been no sign that a proper portal between their world and ours will ever open up again. Gomamon suggested we build our own, once, but none of us really had any idea of how to go about it. Myotismon's Gate is gone, whatever connection Gennai used is gone - but the very fact that they existed in the first place is enough to keep hope in our hearts, however faint it might be. 

I miss my partner; I miss my friend. 

Without him, I don't feel like me. 

April 2001 

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